slightly wonky


Whatever I am…
November 23, 2010, 11:08 pm
Filed under: Fleeting thoughts... | Tags: , , , , ,

Today, someone at my old office sent me photos of a project that I worked on.  It was an addition/renovation to a dining hall.  It looks really good!  The building was pretty much designed before they brought me on, but I had the task of coordinating and detailing the exterior.  Needless to say, it was stressful, but I was working with a great team of people.  If I remember correctly, there were just three of us doing the drawings!  Anyway…why do I bring this up?  Well, I can’t help but feel an odd pang when I see the building.  I am thinking, “I used to do that”…”I was good at that”…”What am I doing now?”…”Why am I throwing away all that I know, to start again?”

Whatever it is that I’m doing now, I’m a beginner.  This is tough to be a beginner, so late in life.  I used to know what I was doing.  Yes, I had way too much to do, but I knew what had to be done and I was good at doing it.  Now…I’m a beginner…muddling my way along…trying to figure out what the heck I’m doing.

Every time I meet up with a friend, they ask me how “things” are going.  Good question.  No good answer available.  I’m trying lots of things: printmaking, painting, screen printing, sewing, felting, etc. etc. etc.  But what exactly do I have to show for myself?  A very odd arrangement of things in progress… Some things I am happy with, many things I am chalking up to experience.

I have been advised to think of myself as an “artist”.  This feels a little premature, and quite a bit of a stretch.  So, I don’t know what I am.  I know that people spend a lifetime trying to figure out who/what they are.  I’m finally stopping to ask myself that question.  It took me long enough!  I feel grateful that I am able to ask.  I wish that I had a profound answer.  I don’t so far.  I just have a collection of odd things.  In any event, I am happy to have this collection of odd things.  It may not make sense to anyone else, but these odd things are dear to me…more so than the lovely, praiseworthy building.  While the building represents my former life as a “take no prisoners/stress-case” architect, the odd things represent my current self…wondering, struggling, searching and hoping.

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